Staying Still

I'm so used to my life constantly changing. Growing up, there was always something new to look forward to every year - moving into a new grade, getting a new teacher, a new hockey team. Even in University, there was always something coming up next. Something that always got me through those late nights cramming for exams was the fact that, in four months time, it would all be over and I would be starting something new. Whether that was a new term with new courses, a new co-op job over the summer, there was always something coming up next.

I think that's been one of the biggest adjustments for me since graduating University - the fact that there are no longer these tangible "nexts" to look forward to or to use as an escape. Having a full-time permanent position is great, but once you get to the four month mark it hits you that this isn't another co-op job. There isn't a clear end in plain sight.

It's been a really challenging season for me. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love being married, having my own place, and working in marketing - but I'm so used to speeding through life, always looking towards the next big thing, that I almost don't even know what to do with myself.

One of the things my husband and I promised each other back when we were dating and looking towards marriage is that we would never let our lives become stagnant. We craved adventure, wanted to break away from routine - to live a life that was far from "ordinary".  And yet, here we are...incredibly, overwhelmingly, ordinary. 

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I never thought I'd be saying this - but I'm okay with ordinary. I'm okay with the idea of staying put and establishing life here. What I've come to realize is that, by sprinting from next to next, I was actually running away. I was running away from strained relationships, from the stresses of academics, from problems back at home. I think I'm finally ready to stop running and just stay still.

Staying still has forced me to confront all the things I was running away from before. It's also forced me to think with a long-term mindset - What kind of legacy do I want to leave? How do I want my family to be raised? How can I invest myself more into the local church? What kinds of friendships do I want in my life?

Adopting this mindset also forced me to confront the harsh reality of where my life was going when I was just chasing "nexts". God has been exposing and convicting me of sin, and helping me to discern what is good in my life and what needs to go. It's a painful process - and a continual one - but so necessary!

I have no idea what's coming up next in my life, but I'm going to cling to the promise in Romans 8:28 "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."